Sunday, December 9, 2007
- Aries: Look behind you, Aries. Slowly. See that guy? That’s Taurus. He’s following you.
- Taurus: Taurus, dude, just think for a second, ok? I know you’re jealous, but don’t do something that you’re going to regret. Instead of blaming Aries, maybe you should think about how your own behavior have could been better. If only you had been a bit more sensitive… well, you don’t need me to paint you a picture. Anyway, you’re seriously starting to creep everybody out, so just chill, ok?
- Gemini: Fuck Taurus, Gemini. Just fuck that guy.
- Sagittarius: Yo Sagittarius, did you hear about Taurus and Gemini? That is some crazy shit!
- Leo: Sorry about all that, Leo. You know, drama, blah blah. Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah: You are going to die today.
- Virgo: Whatever you do, I do not recommend trying to talk to Leo today. That dude does not take bad news well. Also, you’d better stuff Scorpio in the closet, because Libra just got home and saw her car parked out front.
- Libra: Put down the gun, Libra. Put down the gun, Libra. Libra? Libra? Put down the gun. Put down the gun, Libra.
- Scorpio: Jupiter is rising in Sagittarius today, suggesting unexpected opportunities, and a supportive Venus-Pluto alignment favors assertive action towards healing old wounds. On that note, I’d suggest you grab one of Virgo’s five-irons and brain Libra with it before she shoots your “boyfriend.”
- Prince: Despite the daily motions of the stars and planets, you are still Prince, the freakiest, funkiest, fucking-est entertainer of all time. So guess what: you’re going to have an awesome day.
- Cancer: You have cancer.
- Capricorn: You have Capricorn. Nahh, I’m just kidding, old astrologer’s joke. You have cancer.