AdamConover.net

The human capacity for language is amazing. Our ability to coin words, for example, is so great that reality itself often seems to be unable to catch up. Take numbers: not content with naming the first 10⁶⁰³ of them, we feel compelled to invent labels for numbers that don’t even exist.

For instance, if I had asked Raphael to not leave his goddamn socks on the kitchen floor somewhere between twelve and twenty times, but wasn’t sure exactly, I could say, “Raphael, for the umpteenth time, pick them up or I’m setting them on fucking fire.”

The fact is, however, that this particular circumstance doesn’t arise very often, and that many times I find myself confronted with an entirely different number-that-isn’t-real and have no made-up-word with which to express it. To that end, I’ve devised some new numbers in order fill a few holes in the lexicon:

• A fewty: An amount between a few and forty. Especially useful when lying about one’s age or competing in number-of-jellybean-guessing contests.
• A oneplex: A one, followed by one one. (That is to say — eleven.) Also a good name for a building in which you keep one of something.
• A jousand: Like, thousands and thousands. Generally used slangily, as in, “You totally want to have, like, a jousand of his babies.” Compare with “zousand”, “trousand”, and “squidousand.” A further variation, “hojousand”, is used ironically.
• A “hobo’s dozen”: Eleven. So called because, if you ask a hobo for a dozen of anything, they’re probably going to eat one before they give it to you. Stupid hobos.
• : That weird “S” thing from 12th grade math. I don’t know what it means, and neither does anyone else. So how about this: now it means “seven”. You guys should thank me — I’ve just saved you a lot of time.