AdamConover.net

This Christmas brought me a number of wonderful gifts — not least of which was a Wii from Ben and Dave — but the most thoughtful had to be the one that came from my mom. I am told that when posed with the question of “What does my son really need?”, she thought long and hard, and after weighing all her options carefully and consulting the I Ching, she arrived at the gift pictured at left: the Sidewinder Hand-Cranked Cellphone Charger.

Since it may not be immediately apparent to you why this gift is absolutely perfect for me, allow me to elaborate:

1. I often allow my cellphone to run out of batteries.
2. Now, as long as I always carry this pocket-sized, hand-cranked cellphone charger with me, I’ll be covered in the event that I ever forget my pocket-sized, regular cellphone charger.
3. As advertised on the website, two minutes of cranking = six minutes of talk time! I dare you to find another hand-cranked cellphone charger with that kind of crank-time-to-talk-time ratio. Give up? Yeah, I thought so.
4. Ok, so picture this. Civilization has fallen, and you and I are both trapped underneath a burning library. The zombies are coming. They’ll be here in two minutes — what do you do? Well, never mind what you do, you die. I on the other hand, spend the first minute cranking my trusty Sidewinder, and the second calling for help. Of course, I can’t reach anyone — my family has long since been devoured — but the Sidewinder’s handy crank-powered LED allows me to see the hideous faces of my attackers before they tear my eyes from their sockets and crush them between their rotten, unliving teeth. And that’s a gift any mom should be proud to give to her son.
5. It doesn’t have an adapter for my cellphone. Well, fuck it, the light is still pretty cool.

Merry Christmas!